Is depression a four letter word?

     Well, a lot of nothing has happened since my last blog post.  Seems I get two steps forward only to be pushed three steps back.  My health care team is not helping my mental health and I am becoming more and more depressed and angry.  Plus my life in general just seems to be a mess.  I can think of a few other words to describe my life lately but all are "R" rated and most are four letters.  Sh*t, for example.  H*ll would work too.  F*cking pile of stinking, runny, smelly sh*t describes it best for me but is certainly more than four letters.
     The wonderful (?) HealthPartners seems to be doing whatever it can to make things difficult at best.  Appointments have been canceled and I have to fight to change pain doctors.  I still can't get certified for medical cannabis by my medical team because the HMO will not allow their doctors to certify any qualified patients.  Seems the large pharmaceutical companies have bought them out.  (A discussion for yet another blog post.)
     I did have an appointment with a psychologist scheduled for last Monday but last Friday afternoon, they called to cancel and reschedule.  Now it will be the end of May before I can see someone.  Guess my messed up life is not too important that it can't wait a month...
     I have seen a pain medicine doctor a few times but I did not like his get them in and out attitude.  He diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and prescribed some medications.  Then when I questioned one medication that he prescribed because of heart issues I was having he asked, "Who prescribed that?"  Yikes.  Plus, I saw a new family practice doctor who suggested that perhaps fibromyalgia was not the cause of my pain issues (he actually did a quick test to double check) and that perhaps I get a second opinion.  When I tried to change pain medicine doctors, I was told that both the old pain doctor and the new pain doctor had to approve the change because of possible opium pain medication abuse.  Huh?  So I waited to hear back.  Today I called them back and was told that the new doctor agreed with the fibromyalgia diagnosis without ever seeing me and that I could not change.  My reaction, just who the hell paid the premiums and why does the patient not have the right to choose the best doctors for their needs?  I am now waiting for more answers.  I know that I will never trust the old pain doctor so I just might end up with no pain doctor.  Vicodin still remains my friend.
     In 2002, when I was in the hospital and close to death, I spent a lot of time and energy deciding whether to fight and survive or give up and go peacefully to the next stage of life, the one called death.  I decided to spend my energy fighting and I literally came back from the point of death.  Lately I have been wondering if my decision was the right one.  I have actually been thinking about what if I had let go.  What if I have given up and passed into the great beyond? 
     As far as I know, this is a definite sign of serious depression.  I realize this is a problem, Jim realizes this is a problem, hell, everyone with half a brain cell would probably realize this is a problem and yet I can't get HealthPartners to realize this is a problem.  And I just can't change clinics because of a 20 year history with them and I would have to change health plans.  Then start all over with a new team and establish a relationship with a new doctor, etc. 
     I am trying hard to keep my head down, trying not to let life push me too far and I am trying hard to find my positive outlook and sunny disposition.  Spring has sprung, it is time for my outlook to grow and bloom again, make that stinking pile smell sweet again.  Or else...........