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Life goes on... and on... and..........

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It's amazing how quickly the past year and a half have gone.  A lot has changed since I last posted anything on my blog and yet, some things remain the same...
     After my mother was laid to rest, I sort of took shelter in the home.  I was not really interested in much that life had to offer although I tried to make the right noises to let people know that I was okay.  I was also very distraught by the fact that Washington DC had been taken over by those who seemed to be out to destroy the democracy that my great grandfather, father, uncles and brother fought to maintain.  All in all, I just couldn't be bothered by writing because I was sure that no one would be interested in hearing about my depressed and stressed state of mind.
     Stress came from many aspects of my life.  First, there was the stress of getting my mother's affairs in order.  Luckily, I had gotten much of that ready so finishing up was not too difficult. Then, not knowing what the current adminis…

Grief, part three - The ongoing state of my life

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Well, my mother's memorial service was this past Saturday.  I was surprised to find that it was more difficult for me than I thought it was going to be.  And afterword, it is still sorrowful and still extremely depressing.  Yet I have to say that throughout the process there were good moments too.
     The visitation and memorial were nice.  I was amazed at some of the people who took time out to come and pay their respects.  People who traveled from the Twin Cities, people who only knew mom through her time at the nursing home and didn't know the family, old friends of mine who were a big part of my young life and childhood in Rochester, family that had traveled far, etc.  It seemed to me that the best of people's personality showed at the time of my grief and mourning.  The memorial service was simple, each of the surviving children read a poem and my childhood friend, Reverend C. Nelson, gave a very nice talk about mom's life, her influence on others and the infl…

Grief, part two

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My dear mother passed from this life to the next on Friday, November 11, 2016 at around 9:00 am.  I arrived to see her at about 9:05 and was the one who found that she had gone.  The nurse had been in to give mom medication about 10 minutes before I arrived and mom was comfortable and breathing calmly and without stress.  Then, between the nurse visit and my arrival, she decided it was time to go,
     Since my mother's death I have been struggling with exactly how I feel.  I seem to be split into many parts, my version of grief.  One part of me is relieved that she is no longer suffering.  Dementia had robbed her of so much.  One part of me is happy that I was able to spend time with her the last few days before she left us.  I was able to hold her hand one last time.  A part of me feels so excited that mom has finally been reunited with the love of her life, my father.  Mom died just two days after what would have been my parents' 77th anniversary.  Then there is the pa…

Waves on the beach......... The watch goes on.....

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I am now alone with mom.  At the moment the only sound is from the oxygen machine that pumps in a steady rhythm, the sound reminding me of gentle waves coming onto a sandy beach.  I am  sitting next to mom's bed, holding her hand and watching her breath.  Her breathing is shallow and at times erratic but it goes on.
     As I sit here I can't help but think of the many times that mom sat with one of her children nursing her child back to health.   With five children, there were lots of colds, flues,  strep throats and other illnesses that gave mom concern.  I remember the many times she would sit with me, reading a book or singing to me until I drifted off to sleep.  Her loving care would get me through the night,  gently and sweetly making me feel as if I was her only priority, her only worry in the world.
     I also am reminded of the day I first saw mom after two major hospital stays and twice coming close to death,  I sat with mom at my sister's house and explaine…

Grief....

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We each have had to face grief at different times in our lives and for different reasons.  We grieve for the loss of a loved one.  We grieve when our candidate loses the election.  We grieve when our favorite sports team doesn't win the big game.  We grieve at the change of seasons.  We even grieve for our lost youth and the memories of our childhood.  The list goes on...
     Today I face the grief of the loss of a parent.  I sit and watch and wait.  Mom still clings to what life she has left.  I watch and wait as I have a done for years as mom has been very slowly robbed of her memories, her independence, her speech and now her life.
     My grief is partly because, in mom's typical style, life is leaving her slowly.  I grieve for the happy times that from this time on, will only be memories.  I grieve for the wonderful (and LONG) talks that mom and I had.  I grieve for the vacations we used to take, mom and dad showed me the country and expanded my views of the world.…

From Bad to Worse

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You know the old saying, "It can't get any worse"?  Well let me tell you that actually, it can.  Much worse.
     Last night I was trying not to watch the election return news because when I checked, I was shocked at the very depressing news.  Then, when I was about to go to bed and cry myself to sleep the phone rang.  It was about 2:00 AM and I almost didn't.  However, I decided to look at the caller ID.  The call was from Maple Manor Nursing Home.  My heart sank as I picked up the phone.  Bad...
     The person on the phone was the nurse taking care of my mother.  He was calling to let me know that mom's condition has suddenly deteriorated.  Her extremities were mottled and she was now unable to get out of bed and not able to eat or drink.  We decided to place mom in palliative care.  So now I was forced to face the passing of my mother.    Worse...
     I drove down to Rochester around noon after canceling appointments and arranging motel reservations.  S…

Top Floor, Sunshine and Clear View - Going DOWN

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I have been doing a lot of thinking about my life, my world and especially my mood lately.  I have tried to explain how I am feeling but have had trouble putting it into words.  Then, during one of my MANY sleepless nights, it came to me, my life is very much like an elevator in a skyscraper, constantly moving up and down, never staying on the same floor and being influenced by people, circumstances and actions that push the buttons causing the elevator to move. 
     Picture this: you are a skyscraper in a large city.  You may be surrounded by other skyscrapers or you may stand alone. Inside your skyscraper is an elevator that is your mood.  The higher the elevator goes, the better your mood.  The lower it goes, the worse your mood.  Your elevator goes up and down as people, circumstances in the city around you, and the resulting actions push the buttons that may take your elevator to the top (scenic observation floor) or the bottom (subbasement levels) or to any floor in betw…